How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
