I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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