Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
