so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
