she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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