I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
