Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
