I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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