i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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