i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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