Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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