my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize