And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
