Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
