if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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