using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
