I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
