Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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