Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's blow job season.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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