I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just googled if crying burns calories
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
