Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
