The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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