Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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