Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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