I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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