New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
