Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
