i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
