Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize