Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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