He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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