Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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