i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
