I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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