Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you mean i was at the winter classic?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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