I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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