chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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