Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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