Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
