And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
