I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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