we're chasing vodka with high fives
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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