too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
