that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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