You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
