so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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