God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
