Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
