So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
where are my eyebrows?
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