I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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