they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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