He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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