My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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