have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
