He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
