Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
