Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
