that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I am spending my child support on dildos
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
