I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Your penis caused this!
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